The Iron Fist Advice Columnists
by Fire-Breathing Snails
Summary: What if our favourite Tekken characters were cheesy advice columnists? Ever wanted the meaning of life from Kazuya, fashion tips from Ling, or dreams analysed by Jin? Welcome to Ask Tekken, where your questions are exclusively answered by our experts!
1. Kazuya, Nina, and Ling

Disclaimer: No, we don't own Tekken or its characters. Why are you even reading this bit?

A/N: Ok... the original of this story didn't seem to go down well with FF.Net, and they promptly deleted it. So here it is again - reposted. Sorry if you reviewed the original, but it's all been lost now! Pain in the... Anyway... 

_**Ask Tekken -**_** TheIron Fist Advice Columnists!**

What if our favourite Tekken characters were writers for a cheesy advice magazine? Have you ever wanted the meaning of life from Kazuya, fashion tips from Ling, or your dreams analysed by Jin? Welcome to _Ask Tekken,_ where your questions are exclusively answered by our hot-tempered 'experts'! First, let's introduce you to our columnists and their areas of expertise... 

_Ask Kazuya – General Advice and Life Matters _

_Ask Jun – Home, Garden and Pets _

_Ask Nina – The Modern Woman _

_Ask Jin – Dream Analyst _

_Ask Anna – Relationships _

_Ask Lee – Finances _

_Ask Heihachi - Business _

_Ask Ling – Fashion and Beauty _

_Ask Lei Wulong – Legal Advice _

_Ask Paul – The Handy Man: Home, Hardware and Manliness _

_Ask Julia – Antiquities and Spirituality _

_Ask Hwoarang __– Entertainment_

_Ask Yoshi and Kuni – Thieving and air-conditioner repairs _

_Ask Bruce – Self Image_

_Ask King __– Child Psychology. And Beer._

*** 

**"Ask Kazuya – General Advice and Life Matters." **

_Dear Kazuya, _

_I'm having trouble with just about every aspect of my life, and was wondering if you could help. I feel as if my whole world's falling apart. I'm having a very troubled relationship with my father which makes me aggravated most of the time, and this affects everything else I do. We've never really got along, but now that I've grown up it seems that we're getting on each other's nerves more than ever. He calls me weak and criticises everything decision I make – from my job as a writer, to my girlfriend, nothing is ever good enough for him. He expects me to take over the family business – accountancy – when frankly, I have no interest in it. I'm also overweight, shy, with very low self-esteem. Can you help? _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Worn-out Son. _

Dear Worn-out, 

It's obvious that the problem here is your good-for-nothing, cold-blooded psychopath of a father. No doubt that heartless bastard sold your sneaker collection on E-bay, threw you off a cliff when you were five-years-old, and on a later occasion, into a volcano; all of which can send you (quite literally) over the edge. Well, I can certainly sympathise. I've had a similar predicament myself. 

**(DAMN YOU, YOU RUTHLESS BASTARD! DAMN YOU TO HELL! AND WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THOSE GOD-AWFUL TEETH OF YOURS?! JUST BECAUSE YOU SAW THE STUPID –CATCH-AN-AXE-IN-YOUR-TEETH STUNT ON THAT RIDICULOUS ANIME!!) **

Anyway... here's how to handle it. 

Throw him off a cliff, claim the business for yourself, drop a few pounds and get a hobby. Works for me. Although, you may have to sell your soul to the Devil in order to survive various murder attempts tried by your father. In which case I feel a duty to tell you that there are some ill-effects. Explosive temper, brutal violence, blatant disregard towards family members and human life in general, plus spots of lunacy, can all be expected. 

Sincerely, 

Kazuya. 

*** 

**"Ask Nina – The Modern Woman_"_ **

_Dear Nina, _

_I'm a young, independent woman who has completed her tertiary education, and is heading into the workforce. My area of interest is public relations, however I've recently encountered some setbacks regarding my dream career. I've already been turned down for several positions at very reputable companies, all of which I've been fully qualified for. The reason being, because I am a woman. One interviewer even went so far as to say, "Generally, I don't like hiring women. Because they get pregnant and leave." _

_ I find this appalling, yet there is little I can do. Can you help me? _

_ Yours faithfully, _

_Discriminated _

Dear Discriminated, 

While I find your tale utterly shocking, this sort of thing is so sadly common. No modern, independent woman should ever have to stand for this sort of abysmal treatment. These interviewers sound like a group of middle-aged chauvinists, but the good news is, there IS something you can do about it. 

Firstly, you must update your weapons supply. As a public relations student, I suspect you are new to the world of artillery, but that's what I'm here for. I recommend young women everywhere always carry with them the following: 

1. An assortment of small, easy-to-use switchblades. These little babies are perfect for the gal on the go. They're easy to store in your pantyhose, within a knee-high boot, or even inside some ample cleavage or a ridiculously large hairstyle. Should you ever find yourself threatened in any way and in any situation, a switchblade (or any other sharp object) is just the trick to dispel an adversary without drawing serious attention to yourself. For example, should you ever attend a similar job interview, keep a razor handy for moments when your pig-headed interviewer drops comments about women in the workforce, or other such things. A slash to the forearm is usually enough, however in some situations it is appropriate to hold your switchblade to your challenger's whiny, bigoted throat. Then make your demands. 

2. Guns. A modern woman can never have too many shoes, or guns. For your first time I'd suggest a pair of the ever-versatile Glock pistols, perfect for any occasion, and none too overwhelming. However, to the woman more experienced with weaponry, the perfect gun may even progress to an Uzi, a Tommy gun, or even a rifle(ideal for clearing the way down a busy street or supermarket). 

3. Of course, it always helps to carry around assassin wire, stun guns, num-chucks, pipe bombs, grenades, bazookas, explosives, spear-guns, ninja stars, and chainsaws. Girls, pepper spray is a thing of the past. 

For the perfect self-esteem boost, and with the right attitude, nothing beats this multitude of military hardware. No-one will ever step on your toes again, ladies. Ever. With this handy must-have list, every modern woman can enjoy life, knowing that it would be an act of utter idiocy for any male to mess with this walking weapon-of-mass-destruction. _Discriminated,_ I truthfully hope this list is as helpful to you as it always has been to me. Good luck! 

Yours sincerely, 

Nina. 

*** 

**"Ask Ling – Fashion and Beauty"**

_Dear Ling, _

_Hi, I'm having some serious image issues and was wondering if you could help. My friends say I have no fashion sense, and I never know what to do with my hair. I have no idea where to start. Please find enclosed my photo. Help! _

_Yours truly, _

_ Fashion Victim. _

Dear Fashion Victim, 

OMiG!!!11! It's MAKE-OVER TIME!!!!!!11!!!1 ^_^ lol!!!1! 

Ok, like, so I checked out ur pic and we'll start simple, K?????/?// ^_^ Firstt, sweetie, UR HAIR!!!!11!!!one!! Haven't u heard that leik, the MULLET is like, SOOOO 50 YEARS ago, like, totally 80s???///? Like, DUH!! Lol sorry gurlfriend, but the mullet needs 2 GO!!!onehundredandeleven!!!11! Ur face shape is SOOOo cute, i reckomend a KEWLLL little spiky fringey thing, & crop it JUST BELOW UR CHIN!!!! ^_^ That way u can wear it in CUUUTE LITL PIGGY TAILS!!!!!!!111!!!!!eleventyone!!!1! ^_^ LOL!!!one!1 

Next, BURN EVRY SINGLE OUTFIT IN UR CLOSET!!!111!!!!ONE! Surry, but those army pants and turtlenecks have like, totally GOT 2 GO!! This season, try with sum nice BRRIIIGHT colours. Like...... YELLOWz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!221121!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11eleven! ^_^ YEAH!!!! DON'T 4GET.... a grrrl can NEVEEER have 2 MANy YELLOW RIBBONS!!!!!!111!!!oneon!!!eleven!!!! OMG OMG!!!111!! ^_^ Start off w/ like, one BIG ribbon round ur waist, then go from there! TOTALLY CUTE!! DUH!! don't 4get to ACCERSORISE ur PETS, HOUSE, POSSESSIONS, FAMILY MEMMBERS, TEXT BOOKS, all with like, LOTSA LOTSA YELLLOOOW RIBBBONS!!!!11!!!!oneone!!!!!11!eleven! LOL ^_^ 

As far as i can tell, ur SKIN & makeup is TOTALLY FINE!!!1!! Just DON'T 4GET 2 EXFOLITAE every SINGLE hour!!!!!1!!!!!!one!!! OOH OOH!!! ANNNND at like, NITEY NITE time, do that kewlie thingy where u put those cucumber thingies on ur EYES O_O!!!!! OOOH, and NEVER 4get that SPPPEESHUL mudmask for those SPEEESHUL OCCASIONs!!111!!! ^_~ 

^_^ Soooo, NOW that u TOTALLY have those CUTE spunkz at skool fallin at ur FEET, remember: 

A SHOWEER A DAY KEEPS THE HEAD LICE AWAY!!!!!!!!!!1ONE!!!!!!111!!!!!!eleventyone!!11! 

^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ 

Urs truwly, 

Ling!!! ^_~ 

***

A/N: What do you think? By all means, if YOU have any questions you would like answered by our Iron Fist Columnists, please send them an EMAIL at fire_breathing_snails@hotmail.com, and your question may be answered in the next issue of Ask Tekken! (I think we got in trouble cos we used reviews as an interactive thingie. So letters by email only, please!) Next up, Hwoarang, Anna and Bruce. For now, keep writing, review and do other such things. Catch you later! =) 


	2. Anna, Hwoarang, and Jin

Disclaimer: Still don't own Tekken... like everybody else on this entire site. 

A/N: Ok, we lied. This chapter is Anna, Hwoarang and Jin. Jin is so in demand here! TWO letters!!!!! Once again, please leave only review-reviews, and send your letters by email. =) Our experts will get right back to you. 

** "Ask Anna – Relationships"**

_Dear Anna, _

_I suspect my gorgeous, wealthy, fiancé – who I'm very much in love with – is cheating on me with one of his co-workers. He spends a lot of extra time at the office and on business trips with this female worker (dubbed the mysterious, 'Woman in the Red Dress'), who apparently also happens to be considerably younger and prettier than me. I love my fiancé very much and I don't want our relationship to end, but is it really worth being cheated on? Please help. _

_ Yours sincerely, _

_ Fretful Fiancé_

Dear Fretful, 

Oh you poor dear, there is nothing worse than the pain of betrayal. Well, perhaps being eaten alive by a ravenous genetically-engineered dinosaur, but we won't get into that. 

What you need to do is make sure that this fiancé-stealing bint isn't your treacherous, malicious, worst-assassin-ever, older sister. Believe me, snotty sisters have a predisposition to outshine you in looks, talent, success, attention and relationships. Every first-born blonde sister should be drowned at birth I say, or at least bitch-slapped into next millennia. And if it IS your sister stealing your man, you WAIL ON THAT BITCH'S BLEACH-BLOND ARSE!!!! 

Anywho dearie, get to the bottom of this mess. Are you sure you aren't just jumping to conclusions, simply because your fiancé happens to be working overtime? Are you simply jealous because he's spending time with another woman, even though the relationship is purely professional? What other evidence to you have? Does he come home smelling like perfume? Is it Chanel No. 5? 

If your suspicions are confirmed, confront your fiancé. Tell him you know about the little trollop-on-the-side, and that you intend to win him back. Go on _Jerry Springer_ if you have to. If there's one thing I know for certain, sweetie, it's: Never let go of a gorgeous, wealthy man. Do what you have to do to eliminate all competition. Maybe you should consider changing your look. Nobody wants to come home to a girl in sweatpants every night, darling. Dazzle him with a stunning evening dress, matching shoes and a whiff of expensive perfume. Or if you're daring, surprise him in bed with an exotic zebra-skin outfit! 

This flirtatious co-worker must be stopped in her stiletto tracks. What did you call her again...? The Woman in the Red Dress...? 

Wait a minute. 

Your fiancé doesn't happen to work for Mishima Conglomerate, does he? 

I gotta go hun. Ta! 

Yours sincerely, 

Anna. XXX 

** "Ask Hwoarang – Entertainment"**

_Dear Hwoarang, _

_I am a thirty-eight year old science teacher, but I want to get in touch with my 'youthful' side again. Can you give me some tips as to how to follow the popular cultures? ... I'm really trying to impress this chick. _

_ Yours sincerely, _

_ Boring Old Fart. _

Dear Boring Old Fart, 

DUDE!!!!! You've come to the right man, man! Your new life begins with one word: MAGIC MUSHROOMS!!!!!!!! 

Seriously though, dude, you need to start LIVING. Don't worry, here's everything you need to become the uber-cool, rebellious, radical, hot young thang that I am: 

Speaking as a chick-magnet myself, the first thing you gotta do is act the part, man. Play it tough, like you're a good-lookin'-rebel-who-plays-by-his-own-rules kinda guy. Girls really dig that. Street-fighting is radical at the moment. It's like, 'Whoa dude, check it out, I'm a total bad-ass rebel! Dude!' And try to get a rebellious trademark. Say, riding a wicked motorcycle. Or do something wild with your hair. A new colour, maybe. And nothing gets 'em hotter than a pair of shorts over your pants with matching goggles! Word! 

Throw in a bit of angst. If there's one thing every teenager on the face of the planet can relate to, it's depression and misery. Be all like, 'Dude, I have such a tragic past!' and, 'Whoa man, I live on the streets, ya dig?', and do the whole, violent self-hating thing. Millions will connect with you, and you may even have legions of awesome girls wanting to nurse you back to health, man! Plus, it doesn't hurt to have an arch-rival, as long as you're sure you can beat him to a pulp. Say for example, some rich lame-ass pretty-boy who wears mascara on his eyebrows. It really adds some challenge, providing you're willing to meet it head-on. 

Next add a bit of arrogance. It puts a third dimension onto your personality. It also creates popular stereotypes that you are constantly stoned, smug, aggressive, and use such terminology as 'Dude!!' regularly. Totally ups the rep, dude! 

Now, party, party, party! Trip out, pick up, whatever! Dude! Break some rules! Have fun! Radical! Dude! 

Peace out, 

Hwoarang. 

** "Ask Jin – Dream Analyst"**

_Dear Jin, _

_I've been having a recurring dream lately, and was wondering if you could tell me what it means. In my dream I'm auditioning for a play, dressed as a nun, when I am suddenly kidnapped by a giant lobster wearing a police hat. As it carries me away, I scream, look down, and realise that I'm now naked. Suddenly there's a bungee-jump cord tied to my ankles, so I leap down and plunge into a pool of orange jelly. Since this is my favourite food, I swim around in it happily for a while, then proceed to eat it. But then I realise the orange jelly actually sulphuric acid, and I die. _

_What does all this mean? _

_Yours sincerely, _

_Confused _

Dear Confused, 

Don't worry. This sort of nightmare is quite common; almost everybody has this exact dream sooner or later. It's almost as widespread as the notorious 'falling' dream, as well as that dream all males have(you know, when you're making love to a beautiful woman, then her legs turn into a pair of scissors? *shudder*). I can tell you exactly what this means.

Auditioning for a play: Perhaps you have entered a new stage in your life, one which you are unsure about. Maybe you've started a new job, or changed schools, or undergone drastic plastic surgery, and you're nervous as hell about it. Auditions traditionally represent nervousness and anxiety, and these are reflected in your everyday life. Try to chill. 

Nun: In contrast to traditional connotations, being a nun in your dreams actually means you are a very sexually liberated. And a horrible cook. 

A lobster wearing a police hat: This represents the need for balance and harmony in your world. Like yin and yang, night and day, good and evil, Nina and Anna; you can't have one without the other. After all, what is a lobster without his police hat? 

Being naked: Another frequent element of dreams, this usually signifies insecurity, fear of being humiliated, or a tendency to set fire to things. For God's sake, leave the pretty fire alone! 

Bungee jumping/falling: You have an intense, irrational and persistent fear of wrinkles. 

Orange jelly/Sweet foods: You are about to taste bitter rejection in your relationship with your partner. 

Sulphuric Acid/Other Poisons: You are about to taste sweet success in the world of air hockey! 

Death: Congratulations! You are getting married! 

Hope that was helpful. 

Yours sincerely, 

Jin. 

_Dear Jin,  
I had a dream last night where I was falling down a mountain side and when I fell I LANDED ON TOP OF A LITTLE OLD LADY! here's the scary part, When I woke up, I was on the floor next to my bed and was crushing my dog. Of course it bit me but I would like to know what caused this dream? And why did I land on a little old lady? Why not like an alligator or richard simmons or something?  
Needs your help,  
Now-I-have-rabies _

Dear Now-I-have-Rabies, 

Wow, I haven't seen this kind of dream for a while. It reminds me of this dream I once had, where this monster-ish-Ogre-thing came and set my house on fire, then killed my mother and ripped off her fighting skills. 

Oh, wait. That really happened. 

Anyway, your dream has some simple, yet classic symbology. 

Mountains: This is a tricky one. Mountains usually represent triumph or glory, but at the same time they can also suggest problems or obstacles(who the hell wants to climb a 700 foot mountain in their path?). Seeing as in this dream you're falling _down_ the mountain, I'd say this mountain represents your climb to the top of a small, local hill, in an effort to reach some sort of bakery, and how it seems to be going astray. Chill, dude. You'll get your cream buns soon enough. 

Falling: As I said before, means you have an intense, irrational and persistent fear of wrinkles. 

A little old lady: This is the crucial moment. In falling dreams, as opposed to popular belief, it is what _breaks_ your fall that is most important detail. In this case, the little old lady could represent an elderly female figure/role model in your life, whom you would very much like to jump off a mountain and crush to death. A maths teacher, maybe? To me this suggests a hidden desire to go out and beat this certain-somebody up, as they seem to be annoying, bullying or scaring you. 

To answer your question, dreams are often a way to express hidden desires and wishes, so that would be why you didn't land on an alligator or even, say, Richard Simmons. That little old lady is important, _don't underestimate her!!!!_ Let your guard down for one moment, and she'll _strike!!!! _

By the way, you should probably apologise to your dog. And get a needle for those nasty rabies. 

Hope that's helpful, 

Jin. 

*Remember, if you want to drop the Tekken columnists a line, click on the link above and be our guest! Ask a question, send a death threat... whatever! Next, Bruce, King and... uh.... a special surprise! 


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